Self Advocacy and Assertiveness

By Joanne Goldwater, Associate Dean for Retention & Student Success/

Seahawk Family Liaison

February, 2025

Who supports (advocates for) your student, especially when they are away at school? What does self-advocacy and assertiveness look like? How do parents/family members help their student to develop these necessary skills?

When I ask students who has advocated for them prior to college, they talk about parents, coaches, teachers, school counselors. Now that they are in college, it is time for these emerging adults to engage in self-advocacy and assertiveness. They need to learn and practice standing on their own two feet (certainly, you do not want to be fighting a bill on their behalf when they are 30 years old!). But, they are not alone!

Parents and family members continue to be strong influences on their emerging adults (don’t be surprised by how much “smarter” you become as they get older!). Now that I’m a grandmother, I can tell you; they still need and want you in their lives. There are also other supporters/ advocates in their lives: significant others, professors and academic advisors, St. Mary’s Project (SMP) mentors, Residence Life staff, staff in the Office of Student Success Services (OS3), and many others. You are in a great position to suggest that your student talk with any of these folks when needed.

Self-advocacy and assertiveness go hand-in-hand and are important skills for our students to learn. They involve:

• Speaking up for yourself
  • Your student should be their own mouthpiece. Parents need to take a step back unless something truly heinous or dangerous is going on.
• Staying informed
  • Knowledge is power. Your student needs to be aware of issues, what’s going on around them in classes, on campus, in the community, at home, etc.
• Knowing your rights
  • Students need to know what the rules, policies, protocols, laws, etc. are in place so they get what they need.
• Asking for help
  • No student is alone on campus or in life. There are people who are eager to help!
• Finding and using support
  • There are lots of resources available on campus. Students can find them on the College website, by asking their friends, advisor, professors, RA, the Dean of Students, or by coming to OS3. We know that students who ask questions, ask for help and use available resources are more successful than students who do not ask questions, do not ask for help, and do not use the resources.
• Problem solving
  • Learning to solve problems is useful for students while they are in school and in their future careers. Employers need and want employees who can problem solve.
• Self-determination
  • Knowing what the student needs/wants and how they intend to get what they need/want gives the student ownership.

How can students assertively advocate for themselves?

• Use “I-statements”
  • Use phrases such as, “I feel …”, “I believe …”, “I like …”, “I don’t like …”, “I need …”, “I want …”, “I have an opinion on that .…” For example:
    • “I don’t understand what you mean” instead of “You’re not making any sense.”
    • “I have a different opinion” instead of “You’re wrong.”
    • “I feel good about the work I did” instead of “I don’t think you’re going to like this.”
  • “I-statements” help a person express their feelings, thoughts, and needs without blaming or hurting others. They reduce ill-will, conflict, misunderstandings, and defensiveness. They improve communication and help people to be direct (no “beating around the bush”).
• Be respectful
  • Like “I-statements”, being respectful helps people hear each other, improves communication, and is just plain nice.
• Remain cool, calm, and collected (even when upset or angry).
  • Don’t show anger, yell, or use obscene language.
  • My grandmother taught me, “Never sink down to someone else’s level, bring them up to yours.”
• Be direct and reasonable
  • Making unreasonable demands will shut down conversations. Compromising can be a powerful tool.

How can parents/family members help their student to become an assertive self-advocate?

• Coach your student on how to handle a problem, and then let them do it.
  • Ask thoughtful, thought-provoking, open-ended questions (questions that require more than a one-word answer).
• Carefully pick and choose the battles you will wage on their behalf.
  • For the battles you choose to enter, avoid coming in with “guns blazing”.
• Let them fail.
  • In OS3, we believe that FAIL stands for First Attempt In Learning. Please let them do so in a supportive environment. There are A LOT of valuable lessons to be learned.
• Remind your student of the resources that are available.
• If you have questions, need to vent, or want assistance, use the Seahawk Family Liaison (me!) by calling 240-895-4388, emailing families@smcm.edu, or stopping by Glendening Hall 230.